studio journals

three recently completed sculptures

2010-09-02T08:56:00.001-07:00

I am always surprised just how long it takes me to finish artwork, especially sculptures. Aspects of these sculptures were begun fall of 2009, generally finished in July- only to have me go back and resolve them further this past August.

It's almost as if each phase of work has to "marinate" for awhile before moving into the next working phase or resolution. I currently have at least 10-15 other projects in the studio in various stages of either being worked on, or "marinating". In this particular series, there are about 5 or so more pieces coming...

"vessel #1(us)" 4.5'x2.5'x1', terracotta, handmade paper, thread, silk, wire, wax

"vessel #1(us)" DETAIL. 4.5'x2.5'x1', terracotta, handmade paper, thread, silk, wire, wax

"vessel #2 (hiding place)" 23"x20"x16", steel, handmade paper, terracotta, leaf, thread, wax, pigment.

"vessel #2 (hiding place)" DETAIL. 23"x20"x16", steel, handmade paper, terracotta, leaf, thread, wax, pigment.

"vessel #3 (contemplation)" 3'x2'x32", steel, wire, silk, wax, terracotta, thread.

"vessel #3 (contemplation)".DETAIL. 3'x2'x32", steel, wire, silk, wax, terracotta, thread.

a few small paintings

2010-09-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

I believe these are done, though sometimes you never know :). I just might jump back into them after a few months...

"the source" 8"x6"

"the finding..." 12"x12"

"goodbyes" 5"x5"

"journey" 6"x6"

"scramble" 6"x6"

basics

2010-05-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

The very first thing I thought when sitting in the studio this morning was "today is a day for drawing".

Woke up today and shuffled out to the studio half asleep, with a large cup of black tea in my hand. Off of my "immediate pay" job today, I have most of the day to work. Hate to waste a rare day such as this, but my initial encounter with the recent works in progress has fallen flat. Everything is moving along pretty nicely, overall... yet each piece is at some sort of cross-roads and needs special attention. This is that point where I can easily "make it or break it" with the work. Some days I am fully up to this aspect of artmaking, ready to implement the next steps, whatever they may be.

As I'm sure I have written before, I have learned not to force work just because I can work. This will inevitably lead to disaster. Yet at the same time, today is an art day and must be taken advantage of.

Time to step back and think. Get back to some basics and spend the day drawing and thinking over ideas and processes.

I am really enjoying my "new" working method of giving myself plenty of time for sketching and ideas without imposing deadlines for completed work at this time. This is a recent addition to my work-time, inspired by a trip to Spain in March. Saw a million beautiful and amazing things, but was especially struck by the Picasso studies for his painting "Guernica" at the Museo de Reina Sofia in Madrid. The completed painting was amazing... but the dozens of studies were almost equally so. I was struck by the sheer amount of time and practice he spent working up to this painting- and it has shifted my own approach to artmaking since my return.

So, looking forward to a day for thinking and playing with ideas that have been bouncing around in my head, without the pressure to "complete". A few drawings at several angles of a June bug I found while digging up my dead Bird of Paradise plant last night. Some nude studies of people running. Winged limbs. And some sketches and notes about where the works in progress should go. Full day!

Here are just a couple iphone images of some recently completed studies for myself:

2010-05-25T05:36:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling like I am drowning in something warm, viscous and heavy. Nothing specific, I have known this feeling well since I was very young, though I have found ways to attach various meanings to it over the years.

Wake up, walk dogs, drink tea, throw in laundry, pick up kitchen, pack lunch, get child ready for school...

Here is what I "researched" this morning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsNlLLSBWLU

I really did not know how to do this before. No wonder my dog hates it.

New work/work in progress

2010-05-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

After a few weeks of exploring ideas and feeling a great deal of creative energy in general, I awoke yesterday with a paralyzing feeling of anxiety about the work I have been focusing on lately. Given that I had one of those rare full days of working in the studio in front of me, I wasn't about to give up. However, it was a great reminder that positive creative energy can only last so long before the other half of my brain steps in to inform me how silly and futile my ideas are as well as all attempts at art-making in general. Quieting that special critic that lives within is no easy task, but I was able to get the volume turned down to simply "critical" so that I could actually get some work done.

When this voice began, what used to happen to me was that I became incredibly depressed and hopeless, and abandoned whatever idea I was working on. I then would stay in a terrible creative rut until the energy struck again. Not a great working process overall. When I went back to school I couldn't stop working when this happened because of the deadlines pressing down on me. I had to work through it. Still, many, many tears of frustration were shed and ideas still abandoned.

This still fresh in my memory, I resolved yesterday to not abandon these ideas, whatever happened. Certainly not every piece I am working on is successful, and what may be successful in my eyes could be a total failure in someone else's, but it's the process of fully exploring and fleshing out a series of ideas to their fullest that I am focusing on. What lies on the other side? Several failed pieces to be sure, but perhaps a few successes that I could never have achieved without this level of difficulty.

From now on I am viewing that often debilitating feeling as a gauge that I am on the right track. That for me, I am somewhere, for me, that is "unsafe"- and that, artistically speaking, is exactly where I want to stay and push my artwork.

This is also a great time for me to take some pictures and step back to reflect on where I am at this point. Below are some paintings I recently made on some clayboard I had lying around the studio. It is the first time I have attempted to work in color since school... What is interesting for me is that they are done with acrylic ink- leveraging the drawing that I love and leaving behind my major difficulties with paint in general.

Below are a few (very much) works in progress in the sculpture studio. The "bowls" are made from leaves and tea bags cast into a plaster mold. The people are currently made from plasticine, and I am playing with their positions and shapes. At the end of today I bought a box of terra cotta air dry clay to begin making the people in a permanent material. Also, the pins I have used to pin the bowls to the wall are visible. ugh. That needs to go away, but I have yet to resolve how I want to mount them.

I will have pictures of the metal pieces I am working on in the next post.

it keeps spilling and spilling

2010-05-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have been almost obsessing about this subject lately, easily brought to tears every time I hear news on the radio. Oil is a symbol of some of the highest levels of greed and corruption in today's society, while the men who died, plants, animals and the people whose livelihoods are potentially gone end up being helpless casualties of this. What are we doing about this? What can we do about this? Personally, I feel completely overwhelmed by the level of devastation. Only 21 years after the crisis of the Exxon Valdez. What have we learned? What next?
These thoughts have been finding their way into my latest sketches and paintings. Just having fully embraced color once again, the last few days I find myself picking up the burnt umber and carbon black to use liberally in each piece. I don't know how this will resolve itself, both in real life and in my artwork. More to follow.

Here are a couple of excerpts from Wired Magazine. First article is about the current crisis. Second article was written last year, about the long-term findings after the Exxon Valdez spill:
"High concentrations of oil are acutely toxic, but low concentrations have more subtle, widespread effects. As oil percolates through food webs, it retards plant and animal growth, leaving them vulnerable to predation and disease, and less fit to reproduce. With the Deepwater Horizon spill already too large and unpredictable to contain, the question is no longer whether it will cause damage, but what form damage will take"

"Researchers expected the oil to break up in a few years. Instead, it will take more than a century. They found that oil’s compounds, especially polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons — carcinogenic molecules that attach to fat, and refuse to break down in water — are toxic at levels hundreds, even thousands of times lower than was previously believed.

The Valdez pollution set off a cascade of environmental effects that have yet to be fully understood, but have at least been measured. Few of the region’s fish, bird and marine mammal populations have recovered. To the naked eye, Prince William Sound is beautiful and wild — but beneath the surface, it is profoundly damaged. As the Exxon Valdez Oil
Spill Trustee Council recently reported, oil in many areas "is nearly as toxic as it was the first few weeks after the spill.""

parenting and the arts...balance. argh!

2010-05-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

So life is all about balance, right? My daily struggle is often about fighting to make the time in the studio that I need. It often means other things, like email & blogging, etc. fall by the wayside a bit.

Attended a wonderful panel discussion on The Apocalypse on Weds. night by a panel of artists, designers and a writer for National Geographic. The main artist there was Marina Zurkow, whose amazing video "Slurb" was/is playing at the Women and Their Work Gallery where the discussion was hosted. Incredible video, thought-provoking discussion.
http://womenandtheirwork.org

But the next morning, (and I do believe I was somehow being "punished" by life for having some fun and a nice night out ;) ) I was up at 6am sharp. Thursdays are fertilize all the trees day, and getting ready to head out to a nearby town to work as an art assistant for a UT sculpture prof.- right when I get home from that, I had two massage clients back to back. So all in all a busy day. No problem, I have my routine down. The only thing that made this particular morning different is that my son had a book review due. Before I left for the panel discussion, I gave him explicit instructions about the final touches that needed to be done. I sneaked into his room at 6:30am, and jumped on his computer to print out the report for him. Only to see that he did not do anything to the review the night before. What did he do? He watched the "300" movie with my fiance. You might ask why he couldn't print this out himself? Our network printer is not set up with his computer (this is to save our ink from the many many things he deems "very important" to print) and I need to email it as an attachment to myself to print from my computer.
Anyway, I immediately shook him awake and of began a monologue on my frustrations about him not finishing. I imagine that none of my words penetrated his barely awake head. So I wrapped it up by telling him he needed to get out of bed now and finish the report,and headed back downstairs.
25minutes later, no sign of my son at the breakfast table. My internal "mom" clock is going off and I head back upstairs to his room. Only to find him ready generally ready for school, but with the book review not touched. AH!! What was he doing? I was greeted with the usual answer of "I don't know". As I lecture him yet again (why? perhaps for my own sanity), I noticed that he has really horrible breath. I mean seriously disgusting. So I stopped lecturing to tell him to brush his teeth.
2 minutes later, he ran out of the bathroom saying, "where is my toothpaste?!"
The first thing I thought was, um, if you brushed your teeth last night then you should know where it is. When I asked this question I was greeted with "I believe so". Translation: "I believe so" means: "No, I did not, but I don't want to get in trouble for this so I will give a vague answer". He then proceeded to go to his closet and pull out his toothpaste, toothbrush and floss from the overnight back I packed for his sleepover last Saturday night. Let me repeat, Last Saturday Night- it was now Thursday morning. You do the math. Freak out time!
"Brush your teeth for 10mins- time it! and finish the damn book review so I can @*&$ print it!".
It was now 7:55. We had to leave in 10mins. I had not eaten breakfast, or pretty much finished anything I needed to do to get ready. Mad crazy rush time. My son appeared downstairs to let me know all is finished. Yay!
But wait, he decided to use a downloaded trial version of Microsoft Word on his computer for this report and my old clunker laptop converted this to.... wingdings!!!! awesome. Finally ended up printing it from the html showing from my email and it printed....sideways. Sideways it was. I didn't have time for it anymore. I handed it to my son, who at that point knew better than to say a word.

On the way to school, I informed him that he would be late, stopped by the coffee shop, dropped him off at school, and ate the best bagel and coffee I had ever tasted while on the way to work. Oh, and I sent a text message to my sister about the desire to beat my head into a wall over and over again. :).

And my family wonders why I often lock the door and put on headphones while in my studio??

As soon as I send this post, I will be happily in that space- getting in as much time as possible before heading to my "regular job" this afternoon.

Final moral? Even though my son is just shy of pre-teen... I cannot leave the house and expect things to actually happen.

The End.

Facing middle school students

2010-03-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a hectic month! Finally over my virus from hell (down a total of 2 entire weeks) and then the subsequent avalanche of things to do that inevitably happens when you haven't been able to do anything for 2 weeks. Today is my first day back in the studio, at last! As soon as I am done with this post...

One recent adventure to note- my son asked me if I would come and speak to his class about my artwork for his "Science Day" last Friday. Of course, I said yes- who could resist their child actually wanting them to come to their school and talk about their work! I certainly was very flattered.

However, this turned into a much larger deal than I originally thought. I received an email from the middle school coordinator asking if there was anything they could do to help me with my "demonstration". I emailed back- "so how long is this demonstration again?". She replies that I will have 40 minutes per grade and that it also would be great if I had a student project as well. Let me remind you that this is happening on Wednesday and the demonstration is Friday... AH! I had a good 45 minutes of complete and total panic before I figured out what I would do.

I decided that I would bring in some finished work plus a bunch of my materials and talk for only 15 minutes. Then I would have the students all make mini-collages using the materials I used for the collages in my show last Spring: bark, leaves and old encyclopedia images. I made my son go out and help me collect over 200 pieces of bark and an entire bag of leaves the next evening.

The demonstration seemed to be a hit! Almost all of the students were interested in my work (along with some teachers) and really got into making the collages. success! I had offered to them that if they wanted, I would take their projects home and put a wax coating on plus and wire backing so they could hang them. You can guess what I spent my weekend doing... waxing and mounting probably around 170 collages.

I have to say- I was very impressed with the student's enthusiasm and creativity. I really had no idea if they would be interested or not, and it became quite a pleasure to finish their projects for them. Though, if I ever do this again, I need to find a way that doesn't add hours and hours of extra work for me in the end.

Happy ending all in all- I was extremely nervous about presenting and it went very well. Now back into the studio to get some of my own work done!

Betty Boop stars in Snow White, 1933

2010-02-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

I've been completely down for the last two days with what seems to be a viral throat infection from hell. On the bright side, I have been sleeping, reading and watching hours of Art21 on my instant que. Never been into TV much, but the whole "instant que" thing has me pretty hooked :).

just for fun today I am going to link to my absolute favorite Betty Boop cartoon, Betty Boop in Snow White, dated 1933. It's very bizarre in a cool way and when Cab Calloway sings, I get goosebumps every time.

It's only 7mins long. enjoy!

Ted Talks in the studio

2010-02-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

Lately instead of listening to only music while working, I have been addicted to the Ted talks. Incredibly inspiring and fascinating- often I hear something that encourages my work instead of being forced to listen to the special critic that lives in my head. Often, I will get so absorbed in my work that I forget to listen- so many talks I have to listen to 5 or 6 times.

Pretty much every talk is amazing. but here are some links to a few of my favorites.

Steven Pinker on the myth of violence:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/steven_pinker_on_the_myth_of_violence.html

Brian Greene on superstring theory:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brian_greene_on_string_theory.html

Eve Ensler (from the Vagina Monologues)
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/eve_ensler_embrace_your_inner_girl.html

Joshua Klein on the intelligence of crows:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/joshua_klein_on_the_intelligence_of_crows.html

Seriously, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I will share more from time to time, but you can go to www.ted.com to hear many many more amazing insights and stories. I have also linked the title of this blog to the site.

wasting time

2010-01-25T18:40:00.001-08:00

Why is it that when I take a break from the studio (or rather, life forces me away) it is so difficult to get back in and thoroughly working? One would think I would be jumping at the opportunity to get back to work. Actually I am jumping at the opportunity, but then the excitement stops there.

The procrastination sets in- I will decide I need to research more and read more before working again. I will start on something mundane instead of diving into a project I have been really wanting to start, like organizing closets, etc. While reading and researching is definitely important to the artistic process, it still must give way to actual studio work. It can quickly become a comfort zone that is keeping me from getting anything of value accomplished.

I really think that there is a kind of pervasive fear that settles in when I stop working. Fear that my work isn't or will never reach my standards. Fear that my ideas are not being pushed enough. Fear that my work will never show, or I will somehow destroy it in the process. Fear that it won't be liked. And insert a plethora of additional fears here. This is the other side of the proverbial "artist ego". We often love our work because we also hate it. Or have hated it at one point. I have said on many occasions that my relationship with my work is like a semi-dysfunctional relationship with a lover: We fall in love, then break up, get back together and try to fix things, break up again. However many times this happens depends on the piece and the only difference from an real life dysfunctional relationship is the happy ending. Eventually, we resolve our differences and the piece is ready. In the meantime though, I have built a serious emotional history with the work.

This doesn't actually happen with every piece. But most often, the pieces that I have "broken up with" on more occasions, turn out to be my favorites.

I have seen some artists that seem to work evenly from start to finish, calmly problem solving all the way through. I might get there someday. I have already learned (the hard way) not to have a temper tantrum in my studio and throw things. (If you were to look around, you would find a strange number of objects splashed with droplets of black ink). And I have learned to set aside a piece for any number of days when I feel the emotional frustration increasing to the "your going to ruin it stage". So perhaps, I too, will be zen one day.

I'm digressing. And I really don't know what my final point is about the fear, except that it is very real. And, in the beginning, those demons can block out the euphoric memory of finishing a piece I have worked so hard on.

My guess is that every artist has to somehow shove that fear in a corner to get started. Quiet it down, but let it be heard just enough to make sure you stay on your toes while working. I have read from several well-known painters that some of their best work occurs in the mistakes. So, in my mind, the fear actually has a purpose as long as I actually get in the studio.

So, speaking of- that is where I am finally headed today.

Making myself talk (art, of course)

2010-01-19T07:37:00.001-08:00

"new beginnings" 4"x 6" (sold)

Generally I belong to the camp of people who choose not to make New Year's resolutions. I tend to check in throughout the year and make lots of little resolutions as I go. But this year, a few resolutions just sort-of "happened". And they all belong to the "being social" category of life.

It began when one evening my partner said " I really want us to begin seeing friends more. It is driving me a little crazy that we never go out and socialize. We need a community". My partner is a social person. I am not. at all. Literally, I could go for months without seeing anyone, contentedly holed up within my own little schedule. I even go out of my way sometimes to avoid people. Not that I don't like people- once I actually get out, I enjoy myself quite a bit. I just have to be pushed. So, I promised him that I would make an effort to invite friends over and go out more.

Then I realized this probably should also carry over into my art life. Happy making studio work, I only show work when someone approaches me to do so. Now there are many reasons for this (some shyness, some not thinking I have enough work yet, etc) But most of it is, I am just uncomfortable talking about (and selling) my art. I LOVE talking art, just not mine. However, every successful artist I have spoken with has told me to go to openings, meet people, talk to people and approach galleries. Oh the horror! So many opportunities for awkward moments and social faux pas. Yet here I go, New Year's Resolution #1 and only: Get out there and talk.

Beginning small, of course, don't want to set myself up for certain failure :). So the goals are to:
1) go to at least one opening per month. The actual opening. Not just quietly sneaking early on a weekday to look at the work.

2) update my blog at least every Monday. I love doing this, but it is amazing how I think I never have the time. and yes, I know today is Tuesday, but today's excuse is my sister left town yesterday evening and we were hanging out. I started off with a bang this past spring and have slowly gone down to one post a month, if that. This includes taking regular photographs of my artwork. Not waiting until every 6mos.

3) contact at least one gallery per month. Here's where I am the most afraid. But even with rejection, it is great practice to finally get to a few that say yes.

So there it is, in writing. Now I am accountable, even if just to myself!

On another note (but still in the talking subject), I shared a booth with two artist friends at the Keep Austin Bizarre Bazaar last December.(you can see all the work at jaynemccoyart.blogspot.com) I was very unsure what to expect, as I had never done an art fair before. This one was pretty small, so nice for a first go at is plus my expenses were kept down with sharing. Other than freezing my butt off- I had a great time! Great conversations with people about both my art and art in general, had quite a few friends come by and say hello (thank you!) and sold some work. Final verdict: exhausting but worthwhile.

Again, met many wonderful people. And a few who freaked out :). Below is the piece that one lady saw while walking by and exclaimed "EWWWWWWWW! THAT'S SO WIERD!!!!" Evidently, she does not share my love for insects :).

"wonderment" 4"x 6" (8x10 framed)

Keep Austin Bizarre Bazaar

2009-12-18T09:11:00.001-08:00

Hi! I will be showing new and old work this weekend, December 18th through the 21st, down at Fiesta Gardens during the Keep Austin Bizarre Bazaar.

Here is the info:

There will be ...

* Live Music
* Over 100 Vendors
* Full Bar

* FREE Admission - Fiesta Gardens
* FREE Parking
* Heated Circus Tents

YES! You heard right! HEATED Circus Tents.

Come Support the Austin Arts!

This is a 4 day event!
The event will take place Dec 18th - 21st
Fri and Sat from 11am - 12pm
Sun and Mon from 11am - 10pm

With an atmosphere true to the life of Austinites, the holiday shopping event will feature over 60 local artists and small businesses housed under multiple heated large circus tents, with a further 40 artists outside on “vendor row” selling unique gifts and fine, hand crafted items. In addition, there will be tribal and improvisational dance performances, fire spinners, djs, circus acts and resident musicians who play while patrons shop.

You can find me at a corner booth near one of the main entrances. Love to see you there! New work will be posted here very soon.

Cheers and Happy Holidays!
-Jayne

more studio time

2009-09-19T19:09:00.001-07:00

The first plant-based paper batch is finally dry. Not too bad for the first batches- now to figure out how I want to cast them in sculptural work. Planning on trying some basic mold-making either tomorrow or early this week. This will definitely be trial and error as I have never made a mold before. Silly, I know- there are so many great little tutorials out there. Problem is, when it comes to three-dimensional work, I can watch and read tutorials forever, and still be confused as to how to actually do it. I just have to finally do it, figure out my own process, and make a ton of stupid mistakes along the way. While I love working sculpturally, structural aspects that make perfect common sense to so many do not register in my brain. It is like those synapses never formed. Maybe I should have listed to Mozart as a baby, or something. Oh wait, I did. Maybe something else :).

paper drying out on my driveway...

I have added a giant book of "Grimm's Fairy Tales" to my recent reading list and am both fascinated and baffled by many of the stories. I have been wanting to pick up this book all summer, as my recent collage work personally feels very referential to fairy tales. A space where people and animals and magic all sort of exist on the same plane. Only I wanted to read the real stories, as opposed to the Disney versions, etc. The tales that formed out of real life. It has recently become very important to me to understand the visual and literary history behind these thought processes/narratives. Of course, as I begin reading, I have to begin analyzing as well.Grimm's just the beginning and the tip of the ice-burg. I didn't even realize until now that the Brother's Grimm did not write the fairy tales themselves, they just archived and endeavored to write down all of the German tales that had been passed down only verbally from generation to generation. Who knows when these tales actually began to form. Though a clue is that many of the stories revolve around a king, or king's son or daughter, etc. The ideas of magic, beauty, transformation and escape from brutal poverty runs through many of these tales, along strict guidelines of morality. Something tells me this is going to evolve into a much larger project.

Along with these collages, I am working on the beginning of one or two sculptures (hence all the paper-making) and continuing with the series of topography pieces. While trying not to spread myself too thin in the studio, I find the very strong need to develop several ideas at once- the relationships only seem to reveal themselves later. Honestly, it feels so luxurious to have so many projects going on. the hellishly hot weather has finally lifted and I can spend many hours in the studio without drowning in sweat and my son is out of town for the weekend- giving me hours of alone time to spend in the studio :).

What the rain brought! other than the most wonderfully cool weather (relatively, of course!)

paper-making

2009-09-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well, my first show is officially over. All the pieces have been either picked up or taken down in the last two days. Subsequently, my house is a mess. And to add to the chaos, I am literally cooking up some new batches of paper. I have no idea how they are going to turn out, but I am having fun in the trying...
Now just to make sure that I am very intentional with this process. I love learning new things and can easily just keep following tangents instead of focusing on one thing start to finish.

Corn Husks:

Grass:

Finished three new small to medium sized collages on my old batches of paper. Trying to decide on the importance of the paper medium. These were drawn/collaged on paper made from books and paper bags, the new paper is going to be made of plants... I have felt like the medium of books underlined the surreal narratives of the drawings. How will a plant medium change this meaning? Will it make the pieces become more about design instead of inferred meaning? Sorting this out as I create.

summer is gone

2009-09-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, with the arrival of September, my life is creeping towards some basic organization once again. The second part of the summer has flown, and to catch up- I am going to be typing in a few of the events from this last part of the summer...

1) lovely vacation with my family. Watched my sister race in a half-ironman in NY. She placed 3rd in her age group and qualified to compete on Team USA in the World Triathlon championships in Australia this Oct. Amazing. Our Dad also competed in the sprint triathlon the day before and he did really well also! I loved getting to see them both compete and support them.

2) Saw Niagra falls on the way back to Ohio for the first time in 10yrs. Interesting family trip- Falls were beautiful. My son was starving during the whole hike, my sister was limping along, completely exhausted from her race the day before, my mother seemed very moody and kept getting ahead of everybody else, my dad sort of bounced between all of us trying to keep the peace. There is no family picture. :)

3) Rest of time in Ohio goes pretty well. Lots of time with my sister- who has become one of my best friends as we get older. Mother seems very emotionally fragile lately. This is stressful for me. :(. We did go to a wonderful museum in Columbus (Franklin Park, I believe?) that had a butterfly observatory and many greenhouses dedicated to different ecological systems all over the world. Gorgeous.

4)Home again. All of my grains, plus pretty much everything else in the pantry becomes infested with weevils while I was out of town. Bf did not notice this as he does not cook. YAY. Spend rest of week cleaning out entire kitchen.

5) Good news from weevil infestation- I discover my cookbooks again. In my newly clean kitchen, I am cooking up gourmet food like a storm!

6) Triathlon training for me too!- working hard to overcome new psychical challenges like swimming and biking. Doing well and am finally getting back into really great shape. Got completely out of shape during school last two years. Feels good, but takes time.

7) Emotional talks with bf. Heavy- like marriage and children. Feel like annoying stereotypical woman. We have been together for years. We both want this? but the question is when is really the right time. Not on the same page. Still not resolved. Still emotional.

8) Even more emotional fight with my ex. He seems to think that he does not need to ever read the signed agreement to find out when/what his visitation is. Misses it, and is angry at me for holding him accountable. Transitions from holidays always seem to be especially difficult. He sends me incredibly ugly emails that has me reeling for a bit.

9)My son is going into the 5th grade! How did that happen already! He continues to amazing me with how smart and intuitive he is. We still have the teenage years to come, but the young man he is slowly becoming is pretty impressive.

10) Not making much art during this time- feeling incredibly guilty about this. Can't seem to get organized. Can't seem to get ideas organized. Constantly finding other things to do. Distracted.

11) I can finally swim over a mile, bike over 30 and run after it all. Race is September 7th, and I am nervous!

12) Bf is on vacation from work. When he is off, it is like living in a constant music video. He walks around the house playing guitar, or is recording in his studio. It is both wonderful and sometimes wonderfully irritating :). in the best way, of course.

So now the end of summer. Something just hit me this week and I am able to get organized again. I finally wrap my head around how I want to practice my ideas (though I have missed the importance of daily regimented practice lately) and develop latest work. I don't know why this has been so elusive lately. First couple of tries are not so great, but giving me a starting point at least. I am going to try to log in at least 20hours of actual studio time a week this fall. Working and with my son, this is a challenge, but I need to at least get as close as possible. The house will always need to be cleaned and the laundry will need to get done. Work on managing my time more effectively.

Thank you for reading this- and for staying with me when I have so neglected my blog lately! I am looking forward to spending time this weekend catching up on all the blogs I have been missing. I hope your end of the summer has been a sweet and productive transition!!

#MailArt!!!

2009-07-09T12:55:00.001-07:00

Through the month of June I participated in a wonderful exchange between artist friends from Twitter, curated by @Art_News, called #MailArt. 33 artists in all, we sent each other original postcards of our art. It was both time consuming and really fun- I found myself developing new ideas using this medium that I would love to expand on further in my personal art.

I began with making handmade paper for the project. I had wanted to do this for awhile, and this project seemed the perfect way to experiment. How the paper turned out determine how I wanted to present my collages. I decided on using b&w photographic images from an old photography encyclopedia, mixed with original drawings drawn on tracing paper and collaged on the card as well. I sometimes drew on the actual card in ink, and used ink and gouache to enhance the tracing-paper drawings. I am now in love with tracing paper- such a thin, delicate medium to draw on, and it mixes in perfectly with other media as well because of its transparency.

Here are all the cards I created below. Each is approx 3 1/2"x5 1'2" in size, and made from pencil, ink, gouache & mixed media on handmade paper. My theme generally involves humans interacting with an environment based entirely on insects, rodents and birds that match the scale of humans. In some, humans actually become part of the environment in the form of plants, in others they are able to interact peacefully, and in others they work to have some form of control over the insects, rodents and birds.

the wall

2009-07-08T09:45:00.001-07:00

I am going to scream. As a matter of fact, that's where I was right before I took a shower: soaked to the skin in sweat, face covered in tears, and screaming. In marathon running there is this thing that happens at around the 20mile point called "the wall". It's where you feel like you can't go any further, even though you have 6.2 more miles until the finish line. I feel like I have hit "the wall" today, even though instead of having 6.2 miles, I have a lifetime to go.

We have this lovely wrought-iron arbor-gate that has ripped off it's hinge for the 2nd time- this time leaving a hole in the wrought iron that looks exactly like a rip. I, the artist in the family, who is interested in metalwork, says "I can fix that"...Okay, that was four months ago now? First, I realized my oxy-acetylene torches were not going to fix something like that. So we spend three months looking for a used MIG that I can also use in my studio and is somewhat affordable. Finally found one, now I have spent the last three weeks slowly teaching myself the machine, plus actually making it work right. Discovered that it was missing a couple parts along the way. I emphasize the slowly part, as of course there many other life things that have to be done, like work. And the #MailArt project I just completed with wonderful Twitter artists (more on this later).

So now I am working on the gate itself. I need to first re-enforce the hole with steel rod before I "sew" up the hole, level it, and re-attach it to the hinge. This all sounds so simple, but it has taken me two solid days of work to figure this out exactly. Not to mention, it is well over 100 degrees by the afternoon, beginning at around 80 in the morning. I work as hard as I can before the sun drives me inside. Considering that welding also involves the wearing of heavy clothing, I am sweating buckets of water.

I finally almost have the hole re-enforced, when the MIG acts up- wire spool unraveling and when I open up the machine, wire pops out at me everywhere. I lose it. Miller doesn't make the bushings that make this easier anymore. I don't exactly know why, I just need to re-adjust the nuts again for the spool, but this is where I break down. I am crying and stomping and sweaty and frustrated. Why am I doing this project? What money is this actually saving us? The fact that I am the owner of this MIG, and therefore responsible to actually use it in my art is settling on me like a lead weight. Why did the professor say when she saw my metalwork that I had found my calling? It's easy when I have a professor and all the tools I need at my disposal. Now, in my relatively small studio, with maybe 1/4 of the tools I would need to actually do something artistic, no extra money to buy these tools, and no room to store the work anyway- I am ready to sell everything and call it quits. I feel about a millions years away from having a viable business as an artist. I feel very alone out in the real world right now. The momentum of being built up by professors and finally graduating with my dream degree is gone. Even my fellow artists I graduated with are becoming more and more difficult to network with. I am 5-10 years older, with a family, doing a completely different type work. insert scream of frustration again. This is only a small sample of the many negative turns my brain has recently taken this morning.

When my dear boyfriend comes home to find me in my disheveled state, he says "at least you didn't die in the car accident I just saw."

I just want to draw.

Okay, so I am not going to call it quits. I am going to once again, put the spool back together and finish this project. I'm taking the next two weeks to see my parents and sister in Ohio- then I can return refreshed and ready to tackle this challenge again. I'm not sure how the marathoners get through the wall, I think they just put their head down and do. I'm going to try to do the same. Every person goes through this. I am also going to stop complaining for the rest of today.

On a different note, here are two beautiful discoveries I have made in the last month. Found an almost intact butterfly a few days ago and the cocoons were spun on our wrought iron gate. In fact, they are from the very same caterpillars I almost killed, but saved at the last minute instead. (see very first post). They have come full circle, and left me beautiful cocoon shells in their wake. I'm not sure how I am going to use this artistically just yet, but they will become part of my work in the near future, I am sure. They will go on my "shelf of special treasures".Just as soon as I finish this damn gate.

a few newer drawings & photographs

2009-06-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

So, I realize that I am a terrible photographer. There is definitely a learning curve when it comes to photographing artwork, and I am at the bottom of it :P. But these are a little better than the first round... I still need to head over to the gallery and spend a morning re-taking photographs of all of the collages. I first went last week in the afternoon (100 degrees!) and the encaustic finish began to melt (took them outside for the daylight). Ah! Instead re-took drawings and metals, and left the collages for a cooler morning trip. This is taking forever, as I am also trying to catch up on other projects as well... *Note to self* documenting/marketing artwork takes just as much time as making it, it seems.

Here are a few newer drawings (finished about two weeks ago)-They are a continuation of the topography series of drawings I am currently showing.

I am happier, however with some of the new photographs I took of slightly older work, especially the metal pieces. Those first photographs on my myartspace site are terrible, and it is in my best interest to drink some espresso and spend a night replacing and reorganizing all of them! Someday, I will hire someone to do all this. Someday. :)

small transitions

2009-06-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I would have liked to think, by reading my last post, that I would have documented several of those great Austin places/spaces as well as shared some other work and thoughts by now. But no, it was official- I realized it just yesterday... I have been in one of those creative funks. The kind that has you running around, expending energy and frustration, but accomplishing nothing. I think it came on with the completion of my show deadline- when I took a step back to re-access my work and work through new ideas *bam!*- Funk. All ideas feel fruitless, pointless and overwhelming to accomplish. It all seems to be a cyclical process of meeting one deadline and locating another.

I have noticed several stages in getting out of this mental/emotional space. Stage one is list-making... begin to list all of the things that I would like to do, and all of the things I need to catch-up on (tend to ignore house-projects, etc... when I am focused on an art deadline). This process goes through several incarnations. Then, head out to the studio and begin to play with new materials and create some new experiments, while continuing an older idea as well. Then say, "forget it!" and focus on reading a book and some extra exercise for a couple of days. Try to refresh without feeling anxious and guilty for not being in the studio. Then, just as quickly as it came on, it lifted this morning... new energy, new ideas.

Finally, really working in earnest on the #MailArt project through twitter... have been experimenting with batches of handmade paper for this project... photos to arrive soon.- hopefully a large batch of postcards will be completely finished by the end of this week.

In the meantime, I also have a large wrought iron gate to weld back together, a silk window cover I have been saying I will finish since last summer, and I promised my boyfriend I would paint his guitar for his birthday. That was, well, two years ago, I think. (to my credit, I was back in school and did get him a different birthday gift as well :))

So I will be busy moving forward. And will be drinking copious amounts of coffee, I believe. And while I ponder my own frustrations, excitements and ideas, there are riots happening in Iran. I am feeling like my own little funk needs to give it up- there are much bigger issues in the world.

secret spaces...

2009-06-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

Spent all morning on the most lovely hike yesterday! I hike regularly, but this one was particularly nice because with the show opening over and new projects not yet begun, I was in the perfect space to just be present in the hike and enjoy. Moments like this come rarely lately- there is always something to either rush off to or my mind is obsessing about needing to get back into the studio. Central Texas is so beautiful this time of year- hot enough to swim, but not yet hot enough to make you feel like you are being boiled inside your skin.

In the spirit of being leisurely, we decided to wander onto some new trails and see where they led. We followed a tiny mountain bike trail down the hill towards the creek. Around the bend of an s-curve, my son suddenly exclaims "hey- there are Christmas tree ornaments in that tree!" He was right- ornaments hung nonchalantly from tree branches with a gold garland winding up the trunk. Nearby, we discovered the sweetest little fort that someone had built in the middle of the greenbelt. The creativity and fun involved was apparent, and while the maker(s) of this space had to at least be old enough to be allowed in the woods alone, it was hard to say whether an adult or older children or both had created this. I love finding these little expressions of anonymous humanity that blend into their surroundings while creatively asserting themselves at the same time. It was such a fun discovery!- we poked around for a bit, looking at the ornaments, finding all the details- like a mock campfire with an action figure placed in front of it and a pine-needle broom, and taking pictures of the dogs inside the fort. While it was just a small portion of our hike, the image of it lingered in my head for hours after.

Most of the time I hike, I am looking down at the ground for little objects and things to place into my collages... I forget about all the times I have stumbled on spaces like this- a set of stones stacked artistically together, a circle of branches, a chair or sometimes a group of plants or flowers intentionally placed or planted. Or even in the middle of a city to find a random sticker with a lovely image stuck to a pole, or a little note.These moments and spaces are so inspiring in their unobtrusiveness and their mystery. There was no need for recognition in their creation, just the simple act of sharing. I love this type of artistic expression because it is about contribution and taking one momentarily out of the mechanical mental place we tend to reside in. It makes me question my own art and ask "what am I doing to contribute and what is the result I am looking for in my own art?" I get inspired to randomly give of my own creativity so that someone else may enjoy for a bit without the trappings of a gallery or designated artspace. Brings back to mind the roots of creativity- to just create for the pure expression/pleasure of doing so.

This brought the idea of a little side project- to look for and document such spaces around Austin and compile them every now and then, posting them to into this blog when I find them. Nothing fancy- just most likely with my camera phone and a desire for creative discovery. I am hoping that out of this I will create my own little anonymous art project and join in the creative expansion!

show update

2009-05-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, for all my last minute freak-outs and insecurities, everything went very well Friday night, overall. Not a ton of people came, but the perfect people came. Warm and caring and supportive. Couldn't have asked for a better "first solo show" crowd. I sold quite a few pieces and had many wonderful conversations about my art and art in general, plus my work will be up for two more months. I will post some pictures soon!

And need to retake photographs of all my work for the website. I realize that I did this quickly before, more in the spirit of documentation, but so much is lost between online viewing and viewing in person. I see some other artist's sites and am amazed at the richness of their photographs.Any and all suggestions on how to do this are much appreciated!

brushing off the chips

2009-05-28T21:11:00.001-07:00

Sigh...on the wings of my last post about the academic approach to art and dialogue and about having past student peers judging my work, comes tonight's awkward interaction at Home Depot. I was there to buy a masonry bit and screws to put up my last piece (YAY!!) for the opening tomorrow night. It went something like this:

cool ex-student (who, btw, was one of the hip students at the Univ. though, he is a good artist, I have to say.which makes it worse.:).): Oh, hi...what are you getting?

me:hi, I have to mount my last piece onto a concrete wall and need some special screws...you?

cool ex-student: yeah, I'm doing some framing. Why are you hanging pieces?

I'm going to interrupt this story for a moment to say that on the Facebook "event" I created for the show, he was one of the people who responded as yes, they are coming. Okay, back to the conversation.

me: it's my last piece for my show.

c es: what show?

me: (I just sort of look at him puzzled for a second)

c es: oh. yeah. I think I remember receiving something about that.(trails off...)

me: right. so this is my last piece and I am glad to be almost done...

c es: so, um, I think I am going to be out of town tomorrow. so, um. um. I don't think I'll make it. um, have fun and good luck....(trails off again and kind of looks at the ground)

me: that's okay. you have fun on your trip. bye.

Maybe he really is leaving town? I don't think so. Suddenly I am in the 7th grade again and someone is passing a note in front of me that is about me and how dorky I am. Now, this is my blog, and I guess I should be really confident and promote my work and talk about how great it all is... but, well, this is my blog and you get to see the real and very sensitive me. I have never been the kid who was popular and didn't understand how to be a "cool outcast" until high school. But even being a cool outcast took more effort and work than I could manage for long. Before that, I was the painfully shy girl who always managed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time when she did finally get the guts to speak.

so, suddenly I am a rejected 7th grader again, standing in Home Depot, wondering what I did wrong. Then I get irritated-I'll show you! You'll see, I'm going to make it and you are going to feel like an idiot!.... whatever. This response is just as childish, because, of course, this is real life. In real life, I could just as easily toil in my reclusive space for the rest of my life in relative unknown, while he stays cool and becomes famous. Actually, that is how things generally turn out in real life. Cool= people like and want you. Reclusive, socially awkward= people stay away, unless they somehow find this a sweet, quirky trait. (thank you to my wonderful friends!)

What to do? I realize I am going to be over-sensitive for the rest of my life, most likely. I am so envious of those who just don't care and are able to take people or leave them... not me. No, I ruminate about every conversation weeks after they have happened, analyzing from every possible angle. I just can't seem to let it go.

I realize that as someone who is trying to make her living by being vulnerable and at the same time is greatly pained by vulnerability that this is my fatal flaw. My greatest weakness. I really don't know how to get over it and wonder if I ever will. It's not about this particular person or this show. This interaction represents so much more about a desire for acceptance and an unwillingness to do what it takes to be accepted at the same time.

I am glad, in hindsight that this person will not be there tomorrow night. This person represents the condescension and pretension that I can't stand when it comes to being critical of another. Instead, I will have some strangers, and some wonderful friends and fellow artists that are amazingly supportive of simply the fact that I pursue what I love and so do they. And understand that everything is a journey and a work in progress. After writing this, I am now looking forward to tomorrow night once again.

getting down to the truth (in art)

2009-05-26T16:14:00.001-07:00

With my first solo show opening this Friday, I have been facing more and more dialogue in my head about what various people will think if/when they come.

When I can finally get quiet in my studio, I know that I am making work for myself and my personal artistic pleasure- not for a specific audience in mind. But I do have to say that it is at times very difficult to get into that mental/emotional space. Having returned to school as an older student to emerge as an artist in my 30s instead of my 20s, I vowed not to allow school to change my artistic "vision". And while art school did not change what inspires me as an artist, it did change how I dialogue and question myself about my work. I now have a new perspective on craft and the art world that I certainly did not have before. I have a much greater sense of the history behind the work I do and what other current artists are doing. The positive aspects of this for me is a desire to push my work and my ideas continually- to see what I am doing as research or a constant work in progress as ideas unfold and develop. School has also given me the freedom and desire to explore more and more materials, along with the skills to do so.

The downside? Sometimes I feel downright schizophrenic in my studio. There are multiple professors and fellow students living in my head and critiquing me constantly. When I was in school, this was my audience and I had both failures and breakthroughs while listening and taking into account what was being said. What is difficult about this is I believe that academic art often clashes with art as a business, which adds a whole different dimension to studio work. School-based learning and work is about the idea, the new and the different- gearing work for high-end galleries and artistic fame in a particular setting. A kind-of make it or break-it attitude to making art. When does this push become contrived? As I write this, fragments of many conversations clamor in my head- about beauty verses art, and making work that only the art world is going to respect/understand. I respect the relatively few artists who are able to achieve this kind of notoriety with their work. I find that my personal ideas are never shocking/trendy or new enough to fit in this category. So far, pushing my work into this realm has only created work that I am not proud to show. And I have plenty of it stuffed into my studio closet! :).

Now that I am out in the real world, so to speak, come the other aspect- art as a sustained livelihood based on selling to regular people who like/appreciate art. This is the audience that at this point, I understand the least. I have noticed that generally, the "sweeter" the piece is, the more likely it is going to sell. For ex. I have two ink pieces featuring mice. The mouse pieces are sold already, the insects are not. But, as you can see, I LOVE to draw insects, finding their bodies beautifully foreign, challenging and fascinating. My personal insecurity is that this places me right in the middle- not crazy enough to be embraced by the art world, not pretty enough to be embraced by a wide paying audience. The general view in the art world about mass audience based arts is that it is too soft- not pushed enough and made to sit in a room instead of stimulate. Actually, I should specify the academic art world as the thing I speak of- I cannot speak for the what defines the art world in general. However, the more artists I meet making their living from their art is that this IS their personal expression- they are striving to stimulate in a different way- not to shock, but to beautify and enlighten. I equally respect these artists as well because they spend every day doing exactly what they love, express themselves and are making a living at it.

I think that this conversation is so dominant in my mind because people from both areas of my life are coming to this opening. Inside, there is a part of me that wants to please everyone and wants everyone to like my art. Knowing that such a variety of people are coming reminds me that there is absolutely no way that everyone liking my work is even possible. In fact, some people are going to hate it! Consequently, out pours all those sensitivities, fears and internal conversations. I know that to thrive, or even survive as an artist I am going to have to let this go. Otherwise this is the beginning of a very long and painful road.

I imagine (and realize) that one has to separate oneself from both business, academics and whatever else is speaking, to get down to the truth in making art.

That saying, I desire to make art that gets down to the essence of my being, while pushing my craft and my intention as far as it can go. To revel in the fact that art is a life-long learning process I will never completely master. This is the exciting part. In the end, those voices and fears only serve to remind me how determined I am to be the artist I want to be. It IS the beginning of a long, hard road- but one that I embrace with every fiber of my being.

My 1st (and only) twitter post (sort of rant), I promise!

2009-05-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

So my latest online adventure this week has been to actively become a part of Twitter. I first created an account in 2008 via the email prompting of a friend, but other than the occasional post, didn't actually use it until the last week or so. I will start off by saying that I really like it. I have already met and conversed with some great artists and interesting people. In real life, I tend to be a bit of a social recluse, avoiding groups and crowds as much as possible. Twitter is perfect in that sense- I can join in and out of conversations and have "small-talk" without any of the uncomfortable feelings that say, come with standing in a room trying to engage in a group of people. . . In general, I am much more of a one-on-one or small intimate gatherings kind of person.

There are, however a couple of things that drive me a little nutty... like,

"Online marketer/entrepreneur" why do you want to follow me? Generally, I try/want to follow back those that follow me and if your bio makes you sound like a human being with varied life interests, then I am most likely going to follow you... for a bit- because if every tweet is about telling me how I can make thousands of dollars on the web in a month with your "strategies", I will quickly unfollow you. Have you looked at my art? Then you would know that I am about as far away as you can get from your target market.

Alas, you will probably never read this blog. Unless, of course, you are actually interested in me as as person, in which case, we can be friends. I have been pleasantly surprised on several occasions.

Here's another.... I write one particular word in my twitter post. Someone has used some kind of application to do a search with that keyword and automatically followed everyone who has used that word, etc. Like today, I used the word TV when replying so someone's post. Immediately I see that I am now being followed by a twitter user who "loves TV" and only posts about TV shows.
I personally don't really like TV and rarely watch it. And if they had read my actual post, they would see that my post was about a documentary I watched about the history of the telescope. That one is a little more gray- maybe I love TV? who knows, but it bothered me a little for some reason. When I choose to follow people, you can guarantee that I have taken the time, one by one to read your site/blog and your bio... I sort of like the idea of slowly building a community of like-minded people, not randomly trying to have as many followers as possible. But I guess I understand perhaps why someone would. Like I said earlier, I am more of small gatherings person, so the idea of having a thousands of followers that I am following is something that I would have to work up to slowly.

So that's why I wouldn't follow back someone who follows me. The only reason I might actually take the plunge and "unfollow" (which I still feel a little guilty about) is

1) you are an artist who I have followed and you decide not to follow me back. But I get to see all of your posts all the time and they are things like..."drinking wine right now". "hanging out with friends".... It's okay that you don't want to follow me for whatever reason. Maybe you don't like my work, maybe you don't like my posts, or think we have anything in common really. But I personally see twitter as a conversation, not a fan club. So I will unfollow soon- though if I REALLY love your artwork, I might secretly read your blog, or even follow it instead :).

and finally...
2) you have followed me and I have followed you back, or vice versa. But you regularly will fill up my entire tweetdeck page with posts, where I have to work to see what anyone else is doing. And I'm not talking a few in a row... I'm talking dozens... regularly. Or, you know who you are (and I'm sure is not reading this!), you post every few hours the EXACT same nine or ten posts of news feeds..... for days. I'm still not sure when you rotate them... I couldn't wait that long.

Okay, maybe I am feeling a little bratty today :). Like I said above, I really like twitter and love many of the inspiring and interesting posts I have read. Plus been able to get on the websites of some wonderful artists, whose work I might not have otherwise seen. It's a great community of people all over the world and that is very cool. I just needed to have the therapy of writing a few of the things that I know I will just have to get used to, that's all.

Cheers!

Recent work!

2009-05-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

Whew! So I published samples of my recent work in four different posts below(learned quickly what a pain it is to drag photos around in blogspot, sigh). But this is an example of what I have been working on in the last four months. Looking at this body of work, I see in myself great need for variety and multi-tasking in the studio :).

If you would like to see all of the work, you can visit my art-site at:

www.myartspace.com/jaynemccoy

it is all there, including a little bit of video, too.

Happy Saturday! After a long night of processing all of these photographs, I am finally about to leave the computer and take my dogs on a hike! they have been staring at me all morning.

Cheers!

Recent metal

2009-05-16T08:44:00.001-07:00

I'm beginning with the metal pieces, because this is the area in which I desire to grow the most... I recently learned beginning metal sculpture as part of my last semester at the University. I was/am hooked! These pieces are inspired by bite-mark patterns on a leaf I found in Yosemite National Park, CA last March. Every day in my studio when I work with metal is a great learning process. I need to invest in some more tools to have a completely functioning studio to manipulate the metal the way I would like to... The patterns below are a process of studying the bite patterns and welding the "cuts" from the pieces above together. They are currently up for a show, but I am thinking a great deal about using a diamond point engraving tool with my dremel to etch topography lines in these, similar to my ink pieces below. I look forward to taking many metalsmithing classes in the future!!

Ink Drawings

2009-05-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

One of the larger "topography"drawings I have been working on (in a series of three so far). These stemmed from cleaning out my fireplace and becoming attracted to the charcoal ashes as a possible material to work with. These are larger pieces (about 29" x 39", approx). The formations are made by the imprint of the ashes on paper mixed with salt water which I then ink in with a calligraphy pen. What I love about creating these is the way they begin with literally throwing ashes, culminating in hours and hours of tiny pencil lines to make the topography. I think it is a little difficult to see in the the detail, but there are tiny thin lines covering every bit of "land" in the piece. As I made these I thought alot about "brain-mapping" and how we can now map the pattern of synapses in our brains. This for me, became like my own personal "brain-mapping", taking me through many many hours of various thought processes as I drew hundreds of tiny pencil lines, which became my personal "synapses" in a more literal way.

Drawings

2009-05-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Couple of drawings of the dead insects and plants that I collect. It has become such a habit that my son and boyfriend now bring me dead insects they find as well :). I have quite a growing collection, which means many more drawings ahead! I love doing these studies because of the practice with detail- I have never been much of a "still-life" person (though I greatly appreciate them in other's art), always getting bored. But I find that with the details and challenges of decaying plants and insects that I am continuously fascinated...

Collages

2009-05-16T07:52:00.001-07:00

Three collages (out of about 56, I think) that I have recently made. These are some of my favorite series to work on because of the spontaneity and process of discovery they involve to make. It is like finding little treasure to share with others. I find the pieces of wood and bark, etc and mixed media items while on lovely walks and I get to comb through thrift stores and old books for imagery- so much fun!

Murphy's law

2009-05-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today is seriously a Murphy's Law day so far... I feel like I have been running in circles and accomplishing very little in return for the effort I am putting out. The best part of when I am like this is that I continue to make more of a mess around me because of my craziness. Knocked over a glass of water, tripped and scattered a pile of mail, un-hinged the dog gate, spaced-out while driving and missed my exit on the way to my doctors appointment- got super lost because of coming from a different direction, was late for my appointment and had to reschedule since they then couldn't see me for another hour. etc... etc... As I reached a peak of irritation while driving home angry about wasting time, I have decided that today is going to change beginning now. I know that when I get this frustrated, everything will continue to go wrong, which sometimes can include ruining things in my studio... So here goes..... attitude change.... now!!!

On the bright side- I was able to upload all of my photographs last night! I am doing the necessary cropping and will have images of my artwork up by tonight at the latest. Now that I am doing this, I see the beauty of artists taking photographs as they go, instead of waiting until a show and documenting all at once. I have 101 photographs to process, and I am going to try not to overwhelm those of you who visit with all of them at once. Maybe to find a sister site? I'm concerned about posting to something so public as Flickr. Any suggestions would be wonderful...

But I am excited to get these posted and begin on some new work soon.

The Memorial

2009-05-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

Stone Memorial (not the one I am designing)

So, this week I have begun the project of designing a stone memorial for my grandparents, and all future generations that might also want their ashes scattered (or preserved) on my grandparents land. Normally, this would be a fun and honorable task, and it is, but for the fact that my grandfather and I had a falling-out 14yrs ago that was never reconciled. So, given that I am designing a memorial to the man who refused to even be in the same room with me for years, this is a pretty ironic task I am undertaking.

And emotional. I find as I research monuments and memorials, that memories and feelings are coming up that I have not dealt with, choosing instead to bury them a long time ago.

Mistakes were made on both sides. I was 16 almost 17 and not getting along with my mother at all. Things were incredibly stressful at our house, my family was in the middle of a move from Livonia, Michigan to Columbus, Ohio. I chose to stay in Michigan and live with my best friend and her family, eventually getting my own little place. I did not speak to my family for about 1 1/2yrs, I think. I graduated from high school and took off with this same friend to back-pack the country. At that point, I was in independent heaven. And completely in my own teenage world.

My grandfather, on the other hand, took my leaving home as a betrayal directed straight at him. He felt I abandoned him and the family and decided that he would have nothing to do with me from then on. Actually, I don't know if it was right then. It might have been when I was 19 and hitch-hiking back to Ohio for their 50th wedding anniversary and the truck that picked me up refused to drop me off, instead taking me first to Texas, then to New Jersey, etc. -all the while snorting large amounts of speed. I missed their anniversary, and my parents (whom I was finally able to sneak out and call) called my police officer uncle, who then called the trucker's boss, who then threatened god-knows-what if I didn't get dropped off in Columbus safely. That, come to think of it, might have driven the nail in the coffin.

Years passed. I became a young mom (relatively, 22), settled down a little (at least no more hitch-hiking!) and had fully reconciled with my parents. My grandfather was still unbelievably angry with me and had decided he is done with me forever. That's when it really began to sink in... I was at peace with my family, had grown-up a great deal, and he wouldn't give me the chance to show him. And wouldn't ever have the chance to meet his amazing great-grandson. I, too was hurt and angry at this point. Why was I still being punished for being a head-strong teenager? But the feelings are buried.

I almost had a chance for a little reconciliation. My sister's 16th birthday, I flew up with my then infant son. All my sister wanted for her birthday was to have a party where the whole family came. My grandfather refused because I was there. My grandmother, on the other hand, decided to come. She loved my sister dearly, and I think was tired of not ever seeing me or having met my son also. She was there, and I smiled at her and interacted with the same groups, showing off Noah so she could see. But I was too afraid/too proud to walk up to her, say I was sorry and give her a hug. And she, for her own reasons, did not either. That was the last time I saw my grandmother. She died suddenly shortly after. This is one of my only life regrets.

Now, the feelings emerge again. Painfully. It feels right to write down this regret, this memory. I have admitted this to no one. My grandfather passed one year ago. (or was it two?) Time is becoming blurry. I did not go see him, and he did not want to see me.

At this point, though, I can begin to see the situation more objectively. My grandfather as a human being, with his own triggers and issues and sensitivities. He had a very tough and neglectful childhood, was not close to his family. Two of his own children (not my mother) left as teenagers and spread terrible lies about him and my grandmother through the small town they lived in. And last, but not least, my parents and I were in a terrible car accident when I was one year old in Anchorage, Alaska. My mother, severely injured was unable to care for me at that time and I went to live with my grandparents for many months. And every year after that, we spent every lengthy vacation with them. They helped to raise me in multiple ways. And it was living on their tree farm, 100+ acres of woods, that I developed the foundation of what inspires my art today. I was allowed to roam for hours on end and became a mini-naturalist, watching animals, insects and plants. Collecting them and studying them and how they were formed. It was a magical place and a magical world for me.

So even though my decision to leave home had absolutely nothing to do with him, my leaving was the final abandonment my grandfather could take. And the incredible pride that runs in my family would not allow him to back down, even when it was no longer relevant. But I understand this now, the hurt this man must have felt. I was the grandchild closest to him, the one he opened his heart to, and I was the one who hurt him the most.

So with that I have decided that I can create this memorial, remembering the grandparents that I love and loved dearly as a child, honoring their memory and the incredible impact they had on my life. And let the hurt and anger go.

But I will, and am, taking steps in my own life and relationship with my family and my son, to break the cycle of the family "pride". That it is okay to admit when I am wrong and apologize, and be vulnerable and honest, even when it is uncomfortable. I don't always succeed, but each generation softens a little more than the last. My grandfather was funny and out-going, but also incredibly strong and dominant. My mother took steps to soften this and now it is my turn. Maybe by the time my son has children, this will be a non-issue.

last week's lessons

2009-05-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

Lessons
The theme of last week became an overall lesson on the value of life. It began Tuesday night when I found a bright orange butterfly with silver underwings stranded in the middle of the alley, slowly flapping its wings. One of my hobbies is collecting dead bugs and studying/drawing them and an intact butterfly is always a prize. So the scientist in me leaped for joy and I scooped it up and very carefully carried it home, bringing it inside so I could film it before it died. A rare opportunity. I filmed the butterfly for 45mins, just staying in place and flapping its wings... it was so beautiful, so delicate, and I felt so helpless just watching and waiting for it to die. How do you help a butterfly? My thoughts wandered, thinking about what it must be like to know you are going to die, and have to wait for it while loved ones watched helplessly. Felt incredibly internal and sad at the end of this filming session and made a "nest" in one of my plants outside for the butterfly to rest in.

Morning comes, butterfly is still alive. This time, I can't watch anymore and use the power of the internet. Butterfly starving? Lethargic? Sure enough, I find a post that tells me to put sugar water in a shallow dish near the butterfly. I do this and two hours later the butterfly is gone. Miracle. End of story? No, unfortunately.

I receive the phone call that afternoon. My friend Paul has passed away from the brain cancer he was diagnosed with over 2 years before. I burst into tears, and think again on the butterfly. This was Paul, beautiful, knowing he was going to die and giving nothing but love to everyone around him. He passed away in the arms of his wife, with his baby daughter nearby.
Saturday: attend his memorial... life is in perspective, for the moment. Enjoy/embrace everyday. Give as much love as possible...

Sunday. back to bugs. There are these bright orange and black-spiked caterpillers chomping away all over my beloved passion flowers. I don't want to put poison on them because of my dogs, and I read somewhere that dishsoap and water does the trick. But instead, I have a better idea. I will collect them in a jar- they will die (I would have killed them anyway) and I can spend hours and hours drawing them. Perfect. So my son and I spend the next half hour or so scooping up every caterpillar we can find and placing them in a glass jar.

Of course they start to scramble around like mad, and that guiltly voice about killing things begins to nag me. But they are killing my flowers! But slowly killing them like this? I thought they would die almost instantly in there. They were going to be killed anyway! AH! I can't stand to see anything die and I feel terrible at this point, seeing their little bodies freaking out. I keep thinking about how I saved the butterfly, but will kill the caterpillars. All because the butterfly is more beautiful and generally valued more among the insects we actually want in our gardens. To squash my guilt once and for all I jumped online to find out exactly what kind of caterpillar it was and prove how horrible it was that it was killing my plants.

Well, turns out it is a gulf fritillary.... it feeds almost exclusively on passion flower, AND it is the caterpillar that turns into the exact butterfly I re-vived a few days previous. Full circle.

What does this all mean, and where does my friend Paul fit in all this? I'm not exactly sure, but it certainly made me question how I valued life. That I should have no power to take it. That each living thing has something to contribute, including us. I know, it is a bug... but still a living being on this earth, and part of the biological balance that is so important to our survival as well. And it felt like a metaphor for something so much larger.
My friend Paul contributed so much in his short life- he gave love to everyone, invited everyone into his inner circle. He was nicknamed "the includer" by all his friends because of his gentle openess to all. He is an example to all who had the priveledge to know him.

I, of course, let all of the caterpillars go- placing them one by one back on my passion flower vine. I am going to trust that the vine is big enough to support all life- that for every flower that gets chomped, another will bloom for the butterflies, and I can enjoy it all. However, I WILL be drawing the caterpillars- just from pulling up a chair to the vine this time :). And this butterfly (I don't know exactly how just yet) will be the star of my next video piece.

cheers!